Trick or Treating

We are having a great weekend in Wausau with Dean, Sarah, Sam, Elle, and Jack. We went trick or treating this afternoon, it was slightly snowing. Caleb and Levi played in a light layer of snow this morning and were sad when it melted. Levi couldn't believe that all he had to do was ring a door bell of a house and people filled his bucket with candy. Chloe won't stop asking me "please, can I have a piece of candy". Only she says it so fast it sounds like one word.

First half of October

Hi Everybody,
I have not added new email addresses to my list in a while. So if you are forwarding my updates to folks who don’t receive them, please continue to do so.

I am working through Psalm 23. When I have time, I like to journal and reading David’s words to our God, fills my soul. If you have poems, commentaries, or quotes about Psalm 23, please send them to me. And there is a recent contemporary Christian artist who sings the Psalm to a tune I have stuck in my head. If you know of it, please tell me.

Last week, this week, and next week.

October 1 was Chloe’s 3rd Birthday, we celebrated numerous times. And we flew from NC to NY. Pearl River NY is the location of AIM’s US Sending Office. We spent a long weekend being spoiled by AIMers in the office. They have hospitality suites right at their location that we stayed in.

October 2, My kids were completely occupied, entertained, and cared for by terrific ladies. I spent the morning visiting offices, completing paperwork related to this huge change in our lives. I have to close our checking account and open a new one. I completed the forms for receiving Ryan’s life insurance. I turned in receipts for reimbursement from Ryan’s Memorial Fund. I debriefed with someone from Member Care. I talked with logistics about buying a generator to keep our house lit in Kenya which is struggling with power outages several days a week. I went out for lunch with Ruth and then walked through IKEA.

October 3, My children were whisked away first thing in the morning and I slept in til 11 am. Then at 2 pm I was whisked away to a spa, and pampered myself. I was so relaxed at the end of the day. After putting the kids to bed, I went to a friend’s house for a visit.

October 4, the kids went to a park to play. I went to Nyack State Park and walked around for 1 ½ hours. This is where Ryan proposed to me 9 years ago. It was nice to visit it again. Then we flew to MI to stay at my parents.

October 5, the kids played outside almost the whole day on Babu’s (my dad) go-carts, garden tractor, and little jeep. My mom did laundry the whole day. And I walked through almost every aisle of Meijer. I love grocery stores. They are so relaxing to me. That night Diane (my sister) and I went shoe shopping.

October 6, I am meeting with 3 pastors to finalize the memorial service for Saturday. It’s at my parents church here in Holland. And I’m getting a haircut.

October 7-9, More of the same will probably be happening.

October 10 is our final memorial service for Ryan. I am ready to be finished but I’m glad we did it 3 times in 3 different locations.

Dean and Sarah (brother and his wife) will be here for the weekend with their 3 kids. And Dale and Celeste will be flying in for the weekend. Twill be a full house!

How am I?

How many of you skipped the calendar and started reading here? I don’t blame you.

I grieved and mourned a lot the month of August in Kenya. Since we have been in the states, I would say I am only coping. It’s been stressful. As many missionaries have written me and pointed out, just visiting the states in incredibly stressful. But to do it without my spouse, compounds all of it. We had a good month in September but we traveled A LOT!

And October in MI is just as busy. I know that friends and family in the states are stuck in their grief until they see me and the kids without Ryan. That is why we made this trip, to make it real for people and to bring some closure. But it has also stunted my grief process. In a way I’ve had to pause in my walk through this valley and let people catch up. That’s been hard. After this final memorial service, I plan to start walking again, slowly. Sunday will be a day of rest with my family (Ryan’s parents included). And on Monday I get to fall apart. I’ve been counting the days until Tiffany and I go on our retreat. Often I think, if I can just hold it together until then.

Monday October 12 I start an in depth retreat for 5 nights and 6 days. Monday I drive to GR, and have counseling. Then I pick Tiffany up from the airport and we drive an hour to our secluded luxury cottage. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday we continue to receive counseling and solitude. I really miss Tiffany and can’t wait to see her. I need this safe place to let down my guard and grieve. I need to be away from my kids for a week and not have parenting responsibilities. My mom and dad are taking care of my kids. Tiffany’s mom and dad are taking care of her 4 kids.

On Saturday I want to show Tiffany around where I grew up and then bring her back to the airport. I hope I am ready to take on my mantel of responsibilities by then.

Thanks for praying,

I am trying to compile a list of those who gave to us personally, outside of the memorial fund.

If you gave something to me, could you remind me, through email.

Thanks Dawn

Our Week in Florida

We are in Florida this week. Last weekend, we stayed with Tiffany and her kids. She is the wife of the pilot, Frank, who was killed. We attended a memorial service for Frank on Saturday. It hit me harder than I anticipated. I think I was over confident that I can handle it. I sobbed during the video tribute, thinking of all that Tiffany and I had lost. It was good to feel safe enough to cry.

On Monday the kids and I drove to the Orlando area and are staying with our friends, Rich and Sue Williamson, and their 3 kids. They have a pool! Oh joy for my kids. It is hot and humid here and they were sick of sitting in the car. After a good swim yesterday, they slept good last night.

Tuesday afternoon (today) I am meeting with Pastor Jim Wadley from our church to go over the plans for Ryan’s memorial service. The service will be this Saturday at First Baptist Church of Oviedo. This is the church that Ryan and I became members of when we lived here our first year of marriage. That was a good year and being back in the area brings back lots of good memories. I attended seminary while Ryan worked at a hangar in Sanford gaining experience as an airplane mechanic. Caleb was born here. This is our sending church.

Wednesday my 2 sisters fly in from MI. Diane and Debra are coming specifically to help with the kids. Debra left her husband and 2 kids behind. Diane got off from work just for me.

Thursday we go to Disney! Magic Kingdom here we come. I figure that Diane, Debra and I can handle 4 kids and have a good time. The tickets are a gift from friends as well as the hotel we will be staying at from Wednesday to Sunday.

Friday, we recover from Disney and play by the pool. My parents and my brother Dean are flying in from MI. We are looking forward to having our immediate family together plus my 4 kids. Dean’s wife Sarah stayed in WI with their 3 kids.

Ryan’s parents, his 2 sisters and their families will be staying in FL for the weekend with Ryan’s grandma.

Saturday at 11 am we have Ryan’s Memorial Service at First Baptist followed by a luncheon. If your coming, please stay for lunch. I heard we will be eating well. And this gives me a chance to say hi to people.

Sunday all of my family flies back to MI. Monday, I drive with my in laws back to NC.

So that is my week at a glance.

How are we?

Tired. We haven’t even been in the States a full 3 weeks yet and we are busy traveling all over the place. It would be overwhelming for us under normal conditions (Ryan still here). But on top of our grief, it is often too much. Ryan and I were a great team. I packed up the suitcases in an organized fashion. And he packed the van, knowing what needed to be easily available for me. He was always willing to pull out a bag or get something out of the cooler for me. Always for me in a way that made me feel special, at least most of the time. We did have our bickering moments too!

Now it’s all on me. On Monday, it took me almost 3 hours to fold the clean laundry, pack the suitcases, and load the van.

And when Ryan and I went on road trips, I read the map and gave him directions. He trusted me with this. He drove and I handled the kids needs as we drove.

Now I am driving, following directions from MapQuest and a tomtom, pumping gas at the service stations, keeping the kids happy meals straight, disciplining in the car, etc. Caleb has been good at getting the DVD player going for the kids in the back seat, and handing out snacks and juice cups. But by the time we get to our destination, unload the car, play in the pool, eat, bedtime, I am exhausted.

I’m not trying to be dramatic, but I am tired. The kids are tired. We are all dealing with underlying anger that breaks out in melt downs and short tempers. It’s not pretty, and it’s not normal. I keep hoping and praying it is only for a season and then we will establish a new normal.

I am asking more of all the kids. Seth (4) and Chloe (almost 3) need to be more patient and wait for mommy to finish what she is doing before she can get their snack or juice cup. Caleb (8) and Levi (6) are learning to roll their suitcases and help me unload the car. I’m trying not to add responsibilities that they are capable of all at once, just slowly, but they don’t have the energy to be more helpful as they did before.

Realizing that all of this is normal for grieving families is not all that comforting to me. I know how good we were as a family before the accident. And I want it back. I don’t like to see my kids melting down over little things that they would have shrugged off 2 months ago. When it happens in the grocery story, I want to tell people around me that they just lost their father and that my kids don’t usually act like this. I know I could tell people our news, but even that is tiring.

Something else I am struggling with is that I lost the diamond out of my wedding ring on Valentine’s Day this year. Ryan was going to replace it. But if he can’t pick out a new diamond for me, then I don’t want one. But I miss wearing my wedding ring. I want to take it a jeweler in MI and see if we can take the prongs out and make it into some kind of wedding band. I am wearing Ryan’s wedding band on my necklace. It’s hanging next to my pendant that has all my kids birthstones set in it. I wear it every day. But I want people to be able to look down at my left hand and see a wedding band. My husband didn’t leave me with 4 kids, he died. And that is a big comfort that I want strangers to realize. I still feel married. But I am a single mom.

Well that felt good to write, I realize these emails turn out very personal but people’s response is positive. So if I am able, I will let you see into my heart about certain things.

Travel plans for Sept.-Nov. in the USA

Hi Everybody,

Ryan’s service here in Kenya was on August 15. It was good.

We are planning our trip to the states and I can share some of those dates.

We fly from Nairobi to North Carolina on September 2 and 3. Ryan’s parents live in Garner, NC. This is our first trip without Ryan. Our kids are Caleb age 8, Levi age 6, Seth age 4, and Chloe is almost 3. I hope and pray the three airplane rides and two layovers go smoothly.

My in-laws are lending me their van and we are driving to FL on September 18 to attend Frank Toews Memorial Service in Leesburg on the 19th. My sisters, Diane and Debra, are flying in on Wednesday the 23rd . Friends of ours, the Williamsons, have opened up their home to us. On the 24th we are going to Disney! Diane, Debra, 4 kids, and myself. A dear friend who I have yet to meet is giving me 5 tickets. My parents and In-laws arrive on the 25th and Ryan’s Florida Memorial Service will be on Saturday the 26th.

First Baptist Church of Oviedo
45 W Broadway
Oviedo FL 32765

I’ll let you know the time when it’s decided.

First Baptist is Ryan and I’s home church. I am looking forward to worshipping with them on the 27th. We will drive back to NC on the 28th.

October 1 is Chloe’s 3rd birthday, we will probably fly from NC to NY and spend a few days at AIM’s office in Pearl River. On October 4 we will probably fly to MI to be with my family. On Saturday, October 10 we will have another Memorial Service in Holland. I am still deciding on the venue and time. October 14 would have been Ryan and I’s 9th anniversary.

Sometime in the middle of October, Tiffany (Frank’s wife who also died in the crash and one of my best friends) are being whisked away. Just the two of us (and none of our 8 kids) are going on a retreat. Our counseling center here in Nairobi is planning a special retreat for us. We asked them to plan it for us while we are in the states. So far they have 3 options for us to consider, in MI and PA. Tiffany and I want to grieve well and are open to receiving all the help we can get to do this. I am looking forward to it already, for a safe place to laugh and grieve with my friend.

On October 28, me and the kids are off on another road trip to Wausau WI to spend a long weekend with my brother and sister-in-law and their 3 kids. We drive back to MI on November 2. Sometime that week, we will fly back to NC and spend those last days seeing Ryan’s family before we fly to our home in Nairobi on November 17 and 18.

After all these flights and road trips, I hope I will have started adjusting to traveling with 4 small kids and no husband. I am not looking forward to it, and hope I have the freedom to cry and be mad when I need to. But I also hope we can have A LOT of fun.

I shared a lot of details. I hope you print this up and post it on your refrigerator or place it in your Bible and pray for us on each day, knowing what we are doing on those days. When I have the domestic flights, I’ll clarify those dates for you.

Thanks

Dawn and the 4 kiddos.

Ps. We are returning to Kenya, I will share more about that in the future. But I am certain that God wants us here and he will supply a ministry for me. I have some good possibilities already to consider.

Pss. I share a lot of daily information on Face book. Please find me as your friend and keep up more regularly with what those crazy, adventurous Williams are up to next.

Breakfast in the game park

On May 2, we took the kids and my parents to the Nairobi game park for a late breakfast.



Ryan and the boys looking for hippos or anything else intersting.



We found a great place to make a picnic breakfast without any baboons to disturb us. It was up on a ridge, so the kids looked for animals with the binnoculars.



Ryan set up his ancient Coleman camp stove and we fried bacon and eggs.



Oma looking out at the view with Seth and Chloe.

One of many Tributes

This is written in the program for Ryan's service. Wish you could have been there.

Ryan loved to work on airplanes...

but in reality, anything that moved or made noise, he was into it. He was often doing something with a piki –his, yours, anybody who needed a hand doing something, he was there giving his time and his ability with no questions asked. You could find him tinkering at his toolbox with a toy helicopter for his boys, trying to make it fly again. Or one time, he was making a little kitchen for Chloe out of some odds and ends he had picked up around town. There was even a time he was trying to get this ancient looking juicer going again for Dawn. He hauled it down to the Industrial Area and back again a couple times, trying to get it working again. Now, his toolbox sits silently in the corner of the hangar, a vacant reminder of a man gifted in many ways, a man who will be greatly missed.

He was a great mentor to many people who worked alongside of him in the hangar. He took the time to teach a young mechanic how to do a specific task, and then helped along the way when questions arose. He loved to do sheetmetal; there was no project that he would do that came out with bad results. He cared about the work that he did and took pride in keeping those airplanes flying safely. It was not a matter of working just to do work, but doing work that would honor the Lord. His heart burned for not only for the work of aircraft maintenance, but for the work that AIM AIR took part in throughout Kenya and East Africa. He served his Lord well so that others could also serve through medical missions, church planting, famine relief, Bible translation, and a host of other ministries.

His ministries were not only limited to AIM AIR, however. He was fully involved in his local church and took seriously the call to be God’s witness throughout the remotest parts of the earth. He tirelessly gave his time and his abilities to help with famine relief throughout the Ukambani region. At least one Saturday a month for the past several months, he spent all day driving his van full of people all over that region, helping to distribute food to people who just don’t have anything due to the famine in Kenya. Most people complain about being stuck in traffic in Nairobi for an hour; he never complained about being hot and sweaty and stinky in a van for twelve hours out in the middle of nowhere.

Most importantly, though, he loved his Lord and he loved his family. While he loved working on airplanes, his heart was always longing to be at home with his wife Dawn and his four children – Caleb, Levi, Seth, and Chloe. You knew he loved his family; it was most evident to us in the hangar around the kids’ birthdays. They would show up with him and spend “a day with Dad at work.” He would let them turn wrenches with him and go for an engine run on one of the 206s. They would ride on the dispatch bicycles down the ramp to look at all the other airplanes. They would go and get Kenyan food, because his boys love it so much, even if he wasn’t really in the mood for it that day. Meeting Dawn was perhaps the best thing to happen to him; they met here in Kenya, both doing the Lord’s work. She has been a helpmeet and a strong support for him; even after he joined Frank in glory, so many have marveled at the inner strength she has displayed. Whether it was fixing her juicer or taking her to a movie where they were the only ones in the theater, he loved his wife and cared for her with utmost attention.

This is the testimony of Ryan Williams, that he loved his Lord without reservation. He followed God’s leading and when the time came, he gave his all for the sake of the Gospel. God called his friend Frank Toews home immediately; Ryan, He chose to wait a little bit before calling him home. We don't know why, but He has a reason. We can just imagine that when Ryan entered His Savior's arms, he heard that big laugh of Frank in the background. So now Ryan has joined that great cloud of witnesses that Scripture talks about. We look forward to the day when we shall see our beloved husband, father, son, brother, and friend again, but for now, we must continue on in our journey. God has called each one of us for a special purpose. As Ryan stepped out into glory, we must step up into his place and continue to carry the Gospel to those who still have not heard. Human minds cannot conceive what lies ahead...but God knows. With that knowledge, we must rest in the loving arms of the Savior, arms that also hold our beloved Ryan with Him in glory.

Written by Nathan Roberts

Life between Ryan's death and his memorial service

Hi Friends,
A nice article was placed in the paper of Holland MI, where I grew up. I’ve sent the link.

I went to Frank’s memorial service on Tuesday. His life glorified God and the service honored the man Frank was.

Now I am in the middle of planning Ryan’s service for Saturday. My pastor is working on the service. I’ve asked several people to share memories of Ryan. Our media team is putting together a video to be shown at the service, and countless other details are being attended too.

The kids are doing well enough. I think they are in shock and disbelief, grieving appropriately. Chloe and Seth can tell me that daddy died, but don’t really understand. Caleb and Levi understand much more.

I’m tired. Last week was consumed with supporting Tiffany as she grieved for Frank, visiting Ryan in the hospital and being his advocate, and trying to keep my kids needs met. This week is grieving, accepting help from both my parents and Ryan’s parents who are all here, and being loved by my missionary family. I would say I am in denial. I know it’s true, but I can’t believe it deep down inside. I’m not looking for him, but have been too surrounded by people to feel lonely yet.

In South Africa, I was able to spend as much time as I needed with the body that Ryan left behind. I truly was able to say good-bye and grieve then. His memorial service will be videoed, I think this will be important for the kids to see again as they get older. To hear what others said about their dad. Right now I’m not nervous about Saturday. I don’t care if I stay strong or if I break down and weep. Both are ok with me.

Next week I will return to the job of getting Chloe’s paperwork finished. That kind of went on hold when I flew to SA on Friday, I didn’t get there in time to see him alive but am so glad I got to see him one last time. The coffin is sealed now, so that was my last time. And this week, I needed to take a week off from adoption. I don’t see any problems ahead with our traveling to the USA in the next few weeks. I hope to have two more memorial services, one in Florida and one in Michigan. I will keep you posted.

Then in October or November me and the kids plan to return to Kenya to finish this term. Our Home Assignment is still planned for March 2010. We will be spending one year in the states, as Ryan and I had originally planned. Then I feel I will be able to make better decisions about what my ministry might look like when we come back to Kenya. Ryan and I talked a lot about what we each would do if we lost each other. And we both wanted to remain on the field because we both felt called to missions. AIM is very supportive and willing to work with me on that.

Thanks for all your prayers, believe me, I feel them.

Dawn

http://www.hollandsentinel.com/lifestyle_religion/x1528790702/Holland-mom-widowed-after-missionary-plane-crashes-in-Africa